Star Wars

duck (
Sun, 16 Feb 1997 23:08:14 -0500 (EST)


The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"

15> New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick

14> He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene
Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing

13> Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the
knee with a light saber.

12> Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use
the Fifth, Luke."

11> The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza
the Hut.

10> Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.

9> C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny
brass ass.

8> Han, Luke, Obi-Wan, and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.

7> New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has
to pee.

6> Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"

5> Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his

4> During one lonely night, Princess Leia finds R2D2's special

3> Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red

2> The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.

and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...

1> Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene
none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

>10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on
>9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit
>and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does
>the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
>8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader,
>Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy
>Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
>7) One word: Lightsabers.
>6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
>5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
>4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he
>3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his
>2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named
>"Slave I."
>1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter
>impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.

***"He who lives by the sword, should go out
and get himself a really nice sword."

- Lev L. Spiro