Fw: :-) Christmas downsizing

Rohit Khare (khare@w3.org)
Fri, 6 Dec 1996 14:56:47 -0500

[Are these fresh bits?]

> From: Donald E. Eastlake 3rd <dee@cybercash.com>
> To: dee-interest@cybercash.com
> Subject: FWD: :-) Christmas downsizing
> Date: Friday, December 06, 1996 2:34 PM

> <forwards removed>
> Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look

> for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the
> following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of
> Christmas" subsidiary:
> The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
> be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
> plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
> The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
> effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
> be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
> The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves

> the French.
> The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
> with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine
> the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
> The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
> Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
> implications for institutional investors. Diversification into
> precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology
> appear to be in order.
> The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
> afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg

> per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.
> geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by

> personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it
> will be a good one.
> The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
> times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are
> order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes

> and therefore enhance their outplacement.
> As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
> scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is
> sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with
> upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to
> try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
> Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
> be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do
> steps.
> Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
> expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
> Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
> congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
> savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
> congressmen this year.
> Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
> the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
> cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will

> drop right down to the bottom line.
> We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
> animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate
> stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can
> ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
> Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
> expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen
> action is pending.
> Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
> necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen,
> Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division
> see if seven dwarfs is the right number.