Finally, the URL for the disturbingly misogynistic "How to
Kill the Spice Girls" site has been printed incorrectly in
this weeks' Time Out. Nothing to do with us, but we thought
we'd correct it anyway. You see, it isn't all take, take,
take.
http://www.geocities.com/~-needle/spice.htm
http://www.timeout.co.uk - now, about that "Spyder"...
So you don't have to do all the hard clicking yourselves: he has a really
nice archetype-and-instantiation guide to all the pigtails and piercings
which need to be shred out:
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#1. Show No Mercy. The Spice Girls are true incarnates of evil, so you must
be careful not to let them hypnotize you. They have several ways of doing
so. If one begins to sing, you must be sure to cover your ears with some
sort of tangible object. The banshee-like sound waves they emit are deadly,
and if your ears fall subject to them, then you may be in store for one
hell of an earache. There have been several reports of people dying from
ear bleeds. Please, heed this most important warning: The more deaf you
are, the luckier your hunt will be.
#2. Incapacitate Before Attacking. If you attack a Spice Girl while it is
consious, you will surely fail in your attempt. You know that thing they
call "dancing"? That's actually a very sly way of hiding their extreme
guerilla warfare. They can dodge your attacks with flips. They like to jump
up and down a lot too, making for an unclear shot. It's best to lure the
opponent in with some sort of shiny object. Spice Girls LOVE shiny objects.
#3. Torture is Necessary. Sure, it would be cool to just snipe them. But
that wouldn't be fun, or appropriate. They've been torturing us for months
with their meaningless lyrics. So it is important to make sure that the
Spice Girl suffers before it dies. If this means five minutes of extreme
pain, that's good. But if it means a week of slow, bloody hell, then that's
even better. Use blunt objects, as they will inflict odd flesh wounds.
#4. You Are Above The Law. Trust me, I'm sure that most police officers
would kill the Spice Girls if they had the chance to. After all, you're
doing your country a great service. And, although they don't realize it,
you're doing people all over the world a favor. This could eventually lead
to world peace. Or at least world silence. The people are ignorant and have
fallen under the Spice Girls' evil power. It is our duty to salvate the
people. Now is your chance to be Rambo.
#5. Bring Back Heads. It's important that after killing the Spice Girl, you
cut off its head. That way it can't come back from the dead or something.
They made that mistake with the New Kids on the Block, and I'm still
waiting for them to come back. I find that a jagged hunting knife will
split a head from a body nicely. Be sure to always carry one just in case
you manage to track down a Spice Girl and kill it.
--- Rohit Khare /// MCI Internet Architecture (BOS) /// khare@mci.net Voice+Pager: (617) 960-5131 VNet: 370-5131 Fax: (617) 960-1009