CobraBoy (
Fri, 15 May 1998 15:19:38 -0700

> REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft
> Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in
> eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622
> GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft
> and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
> "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and
> all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm
> anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the
> computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
> Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped
> my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington
> geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier,
> and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
> In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott
> all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed
> his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work,"
> said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of
> "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
> Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
> justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation
> from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of
> weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally
> found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob."
> Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival
> operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a
> radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II
> microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by
> a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."
> The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why
> the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel
> chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E.
> Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."
> Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
> California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all
> of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project.
> The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress.
> "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
> Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
> rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying
> Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb
> the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to
> be around when they drop that product a second time."

Go sell crazy somewhere else, we're full up here. ...Nicholson

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