------- Forwarded Message
Date: Thu, 23 May 1996 11:35:11 -0400
From: "David W. James" <vnend@aol.net>
Subject: Yum
The MacGyver Cookbook
Well, folks, here it is. I didn't have time to cook this stuff
myself for you the way Paul Newman does, so I just wrote up this
cookbook to give you all the recipes, tried and true just like I
make'em in my own kitchen at home.
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES:
Frequent flier coupons
One medium paperclip (not plastic coated)
One movie ticket stub
Now remember that chocolate-chip cookies are supposed to be a nice
relaxing kind of food, so the first thing you'll want to do to
make them is to go somewhere where you can kick back and relax.
Ecuador is good, so use your frequent-flier coupons to pick up a
round-trip ticket there. The stewardess will hand you a couple of
bags of peanuts, but don't eat them, since we're going to need
those for the cookies.
You'll find yourself sitting next to an attractive woman who
teaches archaeology at Cornell; she'll explain that she's going to
Ecuador to try to find her father--a biochemist by trade, but he
dabbles in archaeology as a hobby--who went down there to find the
lost pyramid of Sesquichachloride, well known in archaeological
circles as the fabled storehouse of the god Valhequesal who,
according to myth, rode down from the skies on a pillar of fire
bringing with him a wealth of powerful but somewhat failure-prone
magical devices that, according to the priests of the day, were
pretty darn all-around nifty.
Now her father, after examining several stone tablets depicting
the god Valhequesal, discovered that he is always shown wearing a
curious bracelet on his left wrist that looks surprisingly like a
digital watch, leading him to the conclusion that Valhequesal did
actually exist, but he was really an advanced space traveller with
comparatively poor taste in accessories, and that the lost pyramid
of Sesquichachloride must contain his spacecraft and untold other
devices from his world. About this time, the stewardess will bring
by the main meal and you'll want to be sure to save the little
packets of salt and butter that come with your meal--the woman
next to you will be too worried about her father to eat and so
you'll want to take her packet of butter and go ahead and keep her
crackers too.
When you get off the plane in Ecuador, just go out to the front of
the airport and try to locate a cab. There won't be any, for some
reason, so you'll go inside to inquire about where transportation
might be found and some guy will stumble against you and when you
look at him, you'll notice that he's been stabbed in the left side
and is bleeding pretty profusely. With a weakly shaking hand,
he'll thrust the key to a safety deposit box into your hand, gasp
something about "be careful of the poison ivy" and expire messily
on the floor of the terminal. You'll decide that maybe waiting for
a cab is the better part of valor and head back outside--on the
way, though, be sure to stop at the concession stand and ask for a
half-pound of chocolate chips. The clerk will measure the
appropriate amount and put it in a bag for you. Be sure your movie
ticket stub is visible in the handful of change you pull from your
pocket to pay her. She'll reach down under the counter and then
surreptitiously drop a roll of microfilm into your bag along with
the chocolate chips, then hand you the bag, saying, "On the
house."
At this point, speed is of the essence--get back outside the
concourse before a swarthy man with a mustache strides up to the
snack shop holding a movie ticket stub. Moments later he and the
clerk will run out the door looking for you, just as the woman who
sat next to you on the plane drives up in her rental car and
offers you a lift. Cheerfully accept, and hop in before the man
with the mustache disconnects the safety on his gun. If all goes
well, you'll both be out of the parking lot and on your way before
he has time to squeeze off more than one shot--and he'll miss on
the first one anyway and the woman driving the car will think it
was just another vehicle backfiring. She'll be kind enough to
offer to let you stay in her hotel room, but she'll need to stop
off at the bank first to take care of a little business. While
she's talking with the bank representative, you casually wander
back to the safety deposit boxes and open the one that matches the
key. In it, you'll find a fair sized paper bag containing bags of
flour, sugar, baking soda and a large bottle of calamine lotion;
take this along with the folded piece of paper lining the bottom
of the safety deposit box. Go back to the lobby just as she's
getting ready to leave.
Once the two of you get back into the car and start driving,
unfold the piece of paper--it's a map leading to somewhere deep in
the Ecuadorian jungle. Look more closely at it just as your
companion notices the map, gasps, nearly runs the car off the
road, and exclaims "That's my father's handwriting!" From this
point on, it's pretty straightforward--just trek through the
jungle with her for a few days, evade the occasional drug lord and
that guy with the mustache, locate the hidden temple and descend
down a long pole into its depths, and locate the treasure room.
There'll be a large golden idol in the northwest corner with huge
rubies for eyes, a golden bowl in his lap, and a bird's nest on
his head. Put the butter from the plane into the bowl and stir
until softened. Get the gold cup to the left of the idol and add
two cupfuls of sugar to the butter, stir until creamed. And two
eggs from the next, one swiss army knife spoonful of baking soda
and two-and-a-half cups of flour, being sure to remove the large
plastic bag of cocaine that was hidden in the bag of flour first.
Mix well, add the peanuts from the flight and the chocolate chips
from the bag, pocketing the microfilmed list of drug contacts
first, and place by swiss army knife spoonfuls onto the silver
tray propped up against the back of the idol.
Once the cookie batter is on the tray, your companion will ask to
lick the bowl, but in doing so will bump against the gold torch
held in the idol's right hand and there will be a low grinding
sound as the stone block that forms the doorway to the drug
smugglers' lab slides out of the way and you'll see her father
chained to a lab table being forced to refine drugs for the
smugglers. While they're having a beautiful and happy reunion,
pick up a strange device from the outer room and bring it into the
lab where there's better light for a closer inspection. Be sure to
bring the cookie sheet too and set them next to each other on the
lab table. Your companion and her father will be trying to figure
out how to get him unchained while you note that the device in
question is clearly of extraterrestrial manufacture and appears to
be some sort of highly powerful laser cutting device--except that
it shows signs of being dropped, breaking the actuator wire and
misaligning the front partial mirror.
Tell them to be quiet for a moment as you use the fish scaling
blade from your swiss army knife to realign the partial mirror to
one quarter wave and then unfold the paperclip, using it to
reconnect the high-voltage trigger to the laser firing mechanism.
Have him stand back while you use the high-powered laser to cut
through the chain holding him to the table and, incidentally, the
wall on the other side of the room, alerting the drug smugglers to
your presence. They'll burst into the room and one will fire a
pistol at you, missing you but hitting the laser, forcing it
permanently on and cracking the rear reflector, bathing the
area--the cookies in particular--with high-energy radiation. Now
get chased around the interior of the temple for a while and, just
after the second brief romantic moment where you kiss her and
think "Gosh, for someone who's been running around the Equadorian
jungle for nearly a week, her hair's not greasy at all" the
cookies should be done.
Run back through the drug lab, grab the cookie sheet, noting that
the cooling system for the laser has failed and it's about to
explode, and run to the outer room where the three of you scale
the pole with the bad guys in hot pursuit. By the time you reach
the top of the pole, the bad guys will be halfway up it already,
so uncap the bottle of calamine lotion and pour it onto the pole,
causing them to fall back into the temple as you and your
companions escape into the jungle depths just moments before the
entire secret temple explodes, destroying the drug smuggling
operation along with all the extraterrestrial artifacts.
By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat. Enjoy. Your
companions will have a few too, wistfully sighing over the loss of
so much knowledge so senselessly, as you take another cookie and
notice that the metal sheet you baked them on has etched onto it
the plans for what appear to be some sort of space drive.
Anyway, this is the best chocolate-chip cookie recipe I've ever tried--I've
made it dozens of times and haven't had a single bad batch yet.
---End of forwarded mail from vnend%nudity@Princeton.EDU (David W. James)
------- End of Forwarded Message