"It was reported that producers of 'Baywatch' are now looking
to cast ethnically diverse actresses. In fact, David
Hasselhoff was recently overheard asking people, 'What's the
Spanish word for implants?'"
Conan O'Brien
As the multiplex turns: Too many hot movies out this week. Brian Matthews
says he's seen so many they've started to run together:
"I saw a movie about alien strippers who tried to take over our country but
stopped when they fell in love with a hunchback who was really smart. They
tried to elope and disappear with the help of a really fat professor. Then
their cable was knocked out by a tornado."
But today "Independence Day" will have grossed $100 million, the fastest in
history. Says Argus Hamilton, "They say it's because the movie shows
whites, blacks, Jews, even Iraqis all working for the same thing: union
scale."
Where there's a hit, there's a sequel. The Cutler Daily Scoop says watch
for these...coming soon to a theater near you:
"Columbus Day"- Washington is invaded by creatures who claim the holiday is
politically incorrect.
"Memorial Day"- Cities are threatened by giant bowls of potato salad.
"Morris Day"- Earth is invaded by sharp-dressing Prince clones.
"Doris Day"- Blond aliens use perkiness to disarm America during a more
innocent age.
Not-so-good news for the makers of "Striptease." Says Cutler, "It's a bad
sign when guys in the theater are yelling 'Take it Off! Take it Off!' and
they're yelling at the projectionist, not Demi Moore."
A media uproar ensued when someone noticed that Microsoft's Spanish-
language thesaurus included the words 'savage' and 'man-eater' as synonyms
for 'Indian.' Says Bill Williams, "Just for fun, I looked up the word
'geek.' Microsoft's synonyms include 'suave,' self-assured' and 'a
winner.'"
The CEO of America Online resigned after just four months with the company,
and Gene Silver thinks he knows why: "He used up his 10 free hours."
Comedian Argus Hamilton, on how the Michael Irvin jury was selected: "They
gave up looking for 12 people who aren't fans of the Dallas Cowboys. They
had to settle for 12 people who haven't partied with the Dallas Cowboys."
David Letterman, on the return of Darryl Strawberry to the Yankees: "If
you think about it in terms of baseball, it makes perfect sense because now
with Steve Howe gone, on the roster there is room for a designated felon."