Mother Theresa Sent to Hell in Wacky Afterlife Mixup
CALCUTTA--In what is widely believed to be the result of clerical
error on the part of
Heaven's massive soul-evaluation and punishment-allocation bureaucracy,
The Calcutta
Daily-Telegram reported Monday that beloved missionary caregiver Mother
Teresa was
condemned to agonizing, eternal torment in Hell following her death last
Friday at the age of 87.
Widely expected to ascend into Paradise and take her rightful
place among the saints to the
glorious fanfare of horns and choruses upon her passing, she was instead
hurled from the
firmament into the bowels of the Lake of Fire.
"We can only assume that some sort of mix-up occurred in the
processing phase," said St.
Peter, the heavenly official in charge of the Book of Life, in which the
names of those chosen to
ascend to the Gates of Heaven are written. "Unfortunately, when you deal
with over 70 million
souls a day, these kinds of mistakes happen. What can I say? I don't
know what else to tell
you."
Mother Teresa, who for decades inspired the world with her
selfless devotion to the
starving, disease-ridden masses of Calcutta, was unavailable for
comment, as she was being
lowered upside-down into a vat of boiling human excrement by a trio of
pitchfork-wielding
demons. Similar punishment reportedly awaits her for the rest of
eternity.
Ever since Monday, heavenly angels, cherubim, seraphim, and other
secondary celestial
entities have been working around the clock to keep up with the enormous
volume of
intercessionary prayers arriving daily on Mother Teresa's behalf.
Despite the tremendous number of
pleas, however, Heaven essentially has its hands tied.
"It's sad that this happened," the archangel Gabriel, a
spokesperson for Heaven,
told reporters. "But we really can't do anything about it. The whole
point of eternal damnation is
that it is inescapable, absolute, and irrevocable. If the Lord were to
turn around and
pull her out of Hell now, he'd be turning his back on millennia of
Catholic doctrine, on
everything Mother Teresa stood for."
Her arthritic limbs snapping like twigs as her frail, 4'11" frame
was rent asunder by the claws of grotesque, multi-limbed demons, Mother
Teresa reportedly screamed in indescribable agony as the superheated
gases of Hell's unholy furnace blackened and charred her hair and face.
According to a New York Times report, her skull has already been used as
a drinking goblet by Satan, the Great Deceiver himself, and the esteemed
nun's rape at the hands of insatiable, barbed-penis-wielding hellhounds
in the near-future is considered "highly likely."
"I can't believe this happened," said stunned Catholic Cristina
Fontanez, 38, of Petaluma, CA. "She must have been so shocked when,
after a lifetime of good works, she found herself face-to-face with
Satan. Instead of being thrust into the living and redemptive light of
Jesus' love for all time upon her death, she instead found herself being
slit from crotch to sternum and suffering the pain of red-hot
instruments of torture repeatedly being plunged deep into her writhing
entrails."
Speculation varies as to what could have caused such a miscarriage
of heavenly justice. While some contend that Mother Teresa's policy of
not administering medication to the sick and dying in her clinics may
have caused some in Heaven to doubt her true compassion, others believe
that her constant speeches against birth control--a contributing factor
to mass overpopulation, poverty and sarvation throughout the Third
World--may be to blame.
Still others posit that Teresa may have sinned in her heart at
some point during her long life, qualifying her for eternal damnation
despite a history of good works.
"According to Catholic doctrine, even one moment of lust would be
enough to justify Mother Teresa's banishment to the flame," said
Archbishop Janiusz Wolsczya of Krakow. "It is possible that after years
of celibacy and self-denial, her natural desires for sexual release may
have built to a breaking point. I imagine that sleeping alone on that
hard cot all those years and donating every ounce of her strength to the
care of the poor, she must have been very lonely. The compulsion to
masturbate must have been enormous."
Most observers, however, reject these explanations, firm in the
belief that the eternal punishment is undeserved, the result of simple
bureaucratic error on the part of heavenly officials.
"I promise a full investigation into this matter," the Apostle
John, seated at the right hand of Christ Almighty, told reporters. "If
any evidence of incompetence or error on the part of the officials who
conducted Mother Teresa's afterlife evaluation is found, I assure you
there will be serious repercussions."
Despite such strongly worded statements from Heaven, a majority of
followers on Earth are calling the promise of a full
investigation a case of "too little, too late."
"I feel like this has forever weakened the foundation of my
faith," said 73-year-old Giancarlo Rossetti of Milan, one of over
300,000 protesters who crowded Vatican Square Tuesday to call for an
immediate reversal of the Mother Teresa Hell condemnation. "She was a
good woman, and she does not deserve to have her eyes torn out of their
sockets by flaming packs of ravenous demon-dogs."
Satan, speaking from deep within his fortress in the Hell city of
Dis, described the late Mother Teresa's soul as "succulent and tasty."