From: Jeff Bone (jbone@jump.net)
Date: Fri Sep 22 2000 - 15:33:34 PDT
A reader in Punxsutawney, PA writes:
Dear Dr. Diablo,
I just recently asked my girlfriend to marry me! Isn't that great?! I was
wondering if you had any advice for the soon-to-be-married.
Signed,
Hallmark Moment.
--Dear Hallmark Moment,
You betcha! Run, do not walk, to your nearest exit. But, I'm assuming that like most poor schmucks in your situation, you aren't going to follow that bit of priceless advice. So here's some sincere advice. *Get It Over With Quickly.* There are few things in this life or the afterlife (trust me on the latter) worse than a long engagement.
There's a kind of lower bound on the amount of mind numbingly tedious, uninteresting, and ultimately pointless detail that goes on in the "planning a wedding" phase of things. Men just shouldn't have to be subjected to it, but you will, you'd better believe it buddy. There are more names for things like colors and cloth than a male brain can actually hold, and you're going to have to make *choices.* Seating arrangements. Arguments over what kind of cake, and whether to just say "screw it" to her tea-totaller parents and serve alcohol at the reception. Oh my yes, it is just a *wonderful* process.
What's worse, though there's a lower bound to the amount of crap that you'll get sucked into, *there is no upper bound.* The planning process will expand to fill all time and mental bandwidth you give it. The only solution, as mentioned, is to get it over with quickly.
If you've just got to go through with it, my advice is get on that plane to Vegas tonite, close the deal by noon tomorrow. The longer you give it, the more of your sanity / soul / self the process is going to chew up and spit away, permanently, forever. Trust Dr. Diablo on this; knowing a few things about Hell, I can certainly say that, really, planning a wedding is worse. We've got nightclubs in Hell. ;-)
Seriously: if not a quickie-to-Vegas, then 6 weeks. That's about the minimum amount of time to mount a "real" wedding. If your engagement is a 6 monther, you're essentially screwed, you and your relationship with your protowife will be permanently impacted. (But you can consider it a preview of what comes later.) A year or more, and I'd give it less than even odds of coming off at all --- *unless* she manages to totally emmasculate you in the meantime. You will learn new depths of meaning for the phrase "whipped."
But good luck! Remember: short, simple, sweet. If it's going to work, it's got to at least leave you intact for the ceremony. Trust me on this one.
Your friend in Hell,
Dr. Diablo
PLEASE NOTE: Dr. Diablo is not a licensed therapist, mental health processional, or other form of caregiver; Dr. Diablo is not in fact a Dr. at all, of any form, certainly not medicine, not even veterinary medicine. Nor even English. Dr. Diablo isn't even, in fact, a real human being. Advice from Dr. Diablo has been found to cause nervousness, involuntary twitching, stomach cramps, vaginal itching, urinary discoloration, hair loss, fatigue, dry mouth, muscle cramping, loss of vision, loss of hearing, erectile disfunction, porpyhrism, lupus, testicular cancer, spider veins, bunions, ingrown toenails, ass boils, thrush mouth, jack leg, consumption, chronic confusion, speaking-in-tongues, and third nipple syndrome. Advice from Dr. Diablo is not intended for use by human beings, or even non human beings. Dr. Diablo's advice is not for everyone. Please consult your personal physicisan or mental health care professional before following Dr. Diablo's advice. Use only as directed, void where prohibited by law.
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