April 1, 1999
Dear Messr. Hurl Neighdirt
Like other intelligent Americans and some of the more advanced slime molds, I
have long been aware of your hungry-horsefly persistence in pursuit of goals
which have an aura of concern and respectability, but frankly are misguided and
self-serving. The intensely competitive nature of industry has produced an
admittedly confusing barrage of new products, that is unambiguously good for
developers like ourselves, and accidentally, as if by some hidden hand, those
inscrutably independent agents we like to call consumers. As usual, you have
aligned yourself with a small band of MegaMars's detractors whose apparent goal
is to enlist the government's assistance in their efforts to end poverty (theirs
primarily), capitalism, network spam, pornography, pollution, bit decay, proton
abuse, the heartbreak of psoriasis, and most non-nutritious snacks.
You know it won't work. Why don't you go find yourself a good old VW beetle,
jazz it up with a Corvair engine and transaxle, and go tool around a continent
or two while your health holds out? Don't forget to add a GPS receiver (and
MegaMars tracking software) so you don't get as lost as you normally do, like in
last week's conference (or did you just get confused by the Esperanto/Cobol
bathroom signs?). Meantime, we can't be farting around with the likes of you
and your baddy-three-shoes ho's. We need to finish mopping up in Mesopotamia,
and finishing the Y2K fixes.
In short, Hurl, get a life and let us get on with ours!
Sincerely as I wanna be,
Chief Assistant to the Assistant Chief