[noise] MS Conducts Underground Nuclear Tests

Joseph M. Reagle Jr. (reagle@rpcp.mit.edu)
Tue, 02 Jun 1998 12:19:18 -0400

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REDMOND --World leaders reacted with stunned
silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an
underground nuclear test at a secret facility in
eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at
9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 PM EDT) today,
was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft
and the US Department of Justice over possible
antitrust action.


"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its
products by any and all necessary means," said
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates."Not that I'm
anti-government" he continued, "but there would
be few tears shed in the computer industry if
Washington, DC (not Washington State) were
engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."


Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100
kilotons. "I nearly dropped my plate when I saw the
seismometer" explained University of Washington
geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At
first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking,
damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."


In Washington, President Clinton announced the US
Government would boycott all Microsoft products
indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed
his decision. "We've tried sanctions since
lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President.
Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of
"constructive engagement" with Microsoft.


Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan
Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent
acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation
from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft
acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium"
in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a
place to dump those millions of unsold copies of
Microsoft Bob."

Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft
NT products with rival operating systems. "I can
neither confirm nor deny the existence of a
radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside
of every Pentium II microprocessor," said
Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by
bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get
what they deserve."

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II
microprocessor would explain why the
microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation,
run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat
than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E.
Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispel those
stories about cold fusion."

Rumors suggest a second weapons development
project is underway in California, headed by
Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems.
"They're doing all of the development work in Java,"
said one source close to the project. The
development of a delivery system is said to be
holding up progress. "Write once, bomb
anywhere is still a dream at the moment."

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple
interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in
discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about
deploying Apple's Newton technology against
Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the
Valley has developed in years," said one hardware
engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that
product a second time."

At the closing bell on the Exchange, Microsoft
shares rose 12% for an all time high, while
confidence dipped in the US government (GOV),
lowering its shares by 3% for one day drop in
market capitalization of $800 Billion.


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