> Antidepressants? Therapy? Are you doing either?
>
> Using both, I am slowly, slowly, slowly getting past so much of what I
> recognize of myself in your note: the need to be needed, the
> positive-feedback cycle of hurting yourself because you've been hurt but you
> don't "deserve" to be hurt:
>
> > connection with people who don't
> > with you -- and hence, quite logically,
> > immediately suppressing and shaming
> > the feedback. That's the
> > intellectualization that immediately
> > set upon gnawing away my
> > unjustifiable hurt when I came back
> > that night and saw her already off
>
> That. Right there. That's the deep little vortex of self-hatred that will
> keep destroying you. It's a deep nasty motherfucker of a parasite, your only
> real enemy, and you have to kill it before you can live. Don't be ashamed to
> use any and all resources to kill it.
Well I guess it's personal sharing time. Many moon's ago I found the
"perfect" girl/woman/chick whatever we're calling the female of the species
this week. We went together for four years and were at one point engaged.
Due to a number of reasons things didn't work out. Actually due to two
things, 1) me being a butthead and fucking everything that walked when we
were together (nothing succeeds like success) and 2) the job I had that was
putting tremendous pressure on me at way too early of an age. Hence I came
home and took it out on her. (Actually it is much more #2 than #1)
Regardless as a result of all this I have seriously hated myself for years.
Every relationship that I have been in has been an effort to replace her.
I've tried it all and nothing has worked. A little over a year or so ago I
met someone and we "clicked" However the years of built up self hatred
which had now turned into self doubt caused me to not go for it. When I
realized that due to what was and will never be again I was limiting myself
and excluding myself from happiness is when I began to snap out of it.
> > > if I ever did get laid, I'd probably contract a
> > > lingering and enervating disease that destroyed
> > > my ability to work.
> >
>
> Ok, myth number ONe "if the fat guy just got laid he would snap out of
> it" or "I f i juust got laid i would snap out of it"
>
> WRONG!!!! You wont be any better or worse than a fat guy who had just
> gotten laid. Yes, you would feel better about somethings for a while,
> maybe get an ego boast, which i aint down on at all but lets be realistic
> here..its not the thing that will "snap" you out of it.
True. That is why most lottery winners are miserable. They were miserable
without the money and the money just makes it worse. Happiness comes from
within.
>
> Becuase in the end the IT you need to snap out of is YOURSELF.
>
> Sometimes it the worse thing that can happen. Ya know how self consceince
> I get when having sex with someone I want to be very close with? ( well
> of course you dont because unlike other malinglists im on I havent had
> sex with any of you) I mean all mental editing aside IM still a bulky guy,
> and if thats gonna freak the realtionship we are building there is not
> anything thats gonna suddenly make that go away. Most times its not the
> other perosn who freaks out and spazzes the relationship into a comma, its
> your truly.
Well some girls like big guys. Some don't. The main problem with men is we
think women think like we do. In some ways they do, but in most they don't.
And we will never understand how a woman thinks.
>
> There aint no substitute in this case, no quickie fixie , and no miracle
> cures.
>
> If you think you want to just get laid, go take a lay over at reno or
> vegas, I hear from realiable sources that they have the means to those
> ends.
The first time I got laid was one week before my 15th birthday. It was
another year and a half before I got laid again. What a long miserable year
that was...
> And myth number two... "she just had sex with me out of pity/guilt/etc"
> "Something bad will happen if i do have sex"
Dude, don't ever knock a mercy fuck. They can be the best.
> Maybe, but maybe this preson realy cared for you and wanted to share a
> close personal event with you Dont ever discount the fact that some people
> can see behind the layers; sometimes even better than we can. Treasure
> these people, dont degrade the experience if it should arise.
Rohit's problem is a very simple one. We discussed this last night. Rohit
just plain out and out thinks to much. Rohit looks to human behavior as
some sort of complex maze like puzzle that has to be figured out. Rohit
wants his equal in a female. As I told him last night it ain't going to
happen. And why would you want it? It's either a bad case of total self
love or mixed up priorities. I don't want someone that is going to agree
with me on everything. I want my butt kicked from time to time. (Hence I'm
on the Voxers) I want the girl I marry to say to me, "Tim, you're so full
of shit, but that is why I love you, now shut up and take off your clothes."
Tim
--Go sell crazy somewhere else, we're full up here. ...Nicholson
<> tbyars@earthlink.net <>