#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=3Dripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=3DTRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'because all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account +=3D 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this guy");
}
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry
at
us*/
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy);
buy(nice_little_island);
hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}
John Boyer wrote:
> Well, this is enough to lure me out of lurk mode. A closet M$ lover
> can't
> stand a dare like this.
>
> >first, if there is such a command (i'm sure joeB will tell us), i
>
> >challenge any user on the group to find an NT system that has stayed
>
> >up over, say, a month. you find one, i'll buy you dinner.
>
> >
> I have access to a few dozen NT boxes that have run for over a month.
> They
> are in my client's system integration bay being tested (pounded on)
> before
> they will be installed in nuke plants.
> .
>
> Not even Cygnus makes an uptime command. So attached is a quick and
> dirty.
> I did this for my own use this morning because I absolutely hate using
> the
> event log. Needless to say it hasn't been tested very well. Actually,
> this
> is a sort of a joke, because the counter I used will reset every 49
> days.
> But given the NT experience of some of you, this shouldn't be a
> problem.
>
> (BTW: _My_ NT box hasn't been up very long only because it's a
> notebook).
>
> JB
>
> ====================================================
> | John Boyer
> | mailto:johnboy@hiwaay.net
> |
> | Creative Systems Inc. (CSI)
> | 1508 Marks Drive
> | Hartselle, AL 35640
> |
> | (205) 751-3075 (Main CSI Number)
> | (205) 751-3077 (fax)
> | (205) 233-4438 (office - voice )
> | (205) 219-9769 (Pager)
> ====================================================
>
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>
-- Yobie Benjamin metaGenesisThe opinions that I express are mine and mine alone and *not* of my employer. *All material/s, opinion/s and statement/s* contained in all my electronic mail messages and web pages is copyrighted and no one is given the right to publish my opinions or materials without my explicit and written consent.
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances."
- First Amendment of the US Constitution