Attention, Fat Corporate Bastards

Kieron Lawson (
Fri, 6 Aug 1999 15:05:39 +1200

Attention, Fat Corporate Bastards!

by @Man

Attention, Fat Corporate Bastards!
Attention, Fat Corporate Bastards in your three piece suits!

Attention Fat Congressional Bastards!
Attention, Fat Congressional Bastards in your three piece suits!

We know about your plans for the Internet. Although you won't listen,
we would like to point out how wrong you are now, so we can point out
gleefully how right we were later.

According to a presentation given by Nicholas Negroponte at the
Sheraton Hotel in downtown Toronto, called "The Information Age:
Transforming Technology to Strategy," here is what you Fat Corporate
Bastards think we want:

1.Movies on demand (94% executive approval)
2.Home shopping (89% approval)
3.On-line video games (89% approval)

Here's what you think we don't want:

1.educational services
2.access to government information

Here's a clue: you can stick the first set up your bum, sideways.

Here's what we really want. Don't bother paying attention; I want you
to learn the hard way, by wasting lots of time and money.

Desired Internet Service Attributes:

1.Cheap, unlimited flat-rate international communication
2.Hands off: No censorship, no advertisements, no lawsuits

Desired Internet Services:

1.Email, WWW, Usenet, IRC, FTP
2.Explicit adult material
3.Access to government and corporate information for oversight
4.Educational services
5.Free networked multiplayer games

Guess what? We already have all the things we want. As soon as we're
ready for something new, we get it -- for free. Why? Because the
traditional consumer/producer relationship doesn't exist on the
Internet. Don't you think that if we really wanted the things you think
we want, we would have already developed them some time in the past 20
years for free? Free! Free! It's so much fun to be able to use that
word you hate. Take your margins with you and stick to trying to shove
ads onto PBS and NPR.

You almost certainly think of the Internet as an audience of some
type--perhaps somewhat captive. If you actually had even the faintest
glimmering of what reality on the net is like, you'd realize that the
real unit of currency isn't dollars, data, or digicash. It's reputation
and respect. Think about how that impacts your corporate strategy.
Think about how you'd feel if a guy sat down at your lunch table one
afternoon when you were interviewing an applicant for a
vice-president's position andtried to sell the two of you a car, and
wouldn't go away. Believe it or not, what you want to do with the
Internet is very similar. Just as you have a reasonable expectation of
privacy and respect when you're at a table for two in a public place,
so too do the users of the Internet have a reasonable expectation of
privacy and respect. When you think of the Internet, don't think of
Mack trucks full of widgets destined for distributorships, whizzing by
countless billboards. Think of a table for two.

If you don't understand right now, don't worry. You'll learn it the
hard way. We'll be there to help you learn, you filthy corporate

With bile and premonitions of glee,


Kieron Lawson
Database Developments Ltd