> Eye gatoot urnt able zana Mike rofone.
> Ice trong leebee leavin' thee yevo looshunnoh flang widgend bee inguh
> prees crypt uvist thin call uh currances uh phthair, thair, an d'thair
> shoe d'beeree play stwih 'thair' azzephry won candy terman them eening
> bythuh contacs tenny wayand fourthoe zoo can titwell may kitties zee
> erforth em.
Reminds me of the urban legend that the following item has been floating
around the Internet for years with "author unknown." We discover the
author by consulting
http://ebbs.english.vt.edu/exper/mosser/classes/hel/chaos.html
http://ebbs.english.vt.edu/exper/mosser/classes/hel/4054.html
And included below so FoRK-archive will have a copy.
> In VERBATIM; THE LANGUAGE QUARTERLY, for Autumn 1989, pages 8-10,
> there is a letter from a man in Salt Lake City, Utah, USA. Mr. Jacob
> de Jager says he was born in Holland in 1923 and received his
> education through senior high school in that country. As he studied
> English, he and others were required to learn by heart for recitation
> a poem called "The Chaos." He says the poem is by an English teacher
> named G. Nolst Treniti in the city of Haarlem. Treniti wrote articles
> under the pen name CHARIVARIOUS in a little booklet entitled "Drop
> Your English Accent," in which the poem appeared. The text of the poem
> follows.
>
>
> The Chaos
>
> Dearest creature in creation
> Studying English pronunciation,
> I will teach you in my verse
> Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse
> I will keep you, Susy, busy,
> Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
> Tear in eye your dress you'll tear,
> So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer,
> Pray, console your loving poet,
> Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
> Just compare heart, beard and heard,
> Dies and diet, lord and word,
> Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
> (Mind the latter, how it's written).
> Made has not the sound of bade,
> Say said, pay-paid, laid, but plaid.
> Now I surely will not plague you
> With such words as vague and ague,
> But be careful how you speak,
> Say break, steak, but bleak and streak.
> Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,
> Pipe, snipe, recipe and choir,
> Cloven, oven, how and low,
> Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
> Hear me say, devoid of trickery:
> Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
> Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles.
> Exiles, similes, reviles.
> Wholly, holly, signal, signing.
> Thames, examining, combining
> Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
> Solar, mica, war, and far.
> From "desire": desirable--admirable from "admire."
> Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier.
> Chatham, brougham, renown, but known.
> Knowledge, done, but gone and tone,
> One, anemone. Balmoral.
> Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel,
> Gertrude, German, wind, and mind.
> Scene, Melpomene, mankind,
> Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
> Reading, reading, heathen, heather.
> This phonetic labyrinth
> Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.
> Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
> Blood and flood are not like food,
> Nor is mould like should and would.
> Banquet is not nearly parquet,
> Which is said to rime with "darky."
> Viscous, Viscount, load, and broad.
> Toward, to forward, to reward.
> And your pronunciation's O.K.,
> When you say correctly: croquet.
> Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sieve,
> Friend and fiend, alive, and live,
> Liberty, library, heave, and heaven,
> Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven,
> We say hallowed, but allowed,
> People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
> Mark the difference, moreover,
> Between mover, plover, Dover,
> Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
> Chalice, but police, and lice.
> Camel, constable, unstable,
> Principle, disciple, label,
> Petal, penal, and canal,
> Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal.
> Suit, suite, ruin, circuit, conduit,
> Rime with "shirk it" and "beyond it."
> But it is not hard to tell,
> Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.
> Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
> Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
> Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, and chair,
> Senator, spectator, mayor,
> Ivy, privy, famous, clamour
> And enamour rime with hammer.
> Pussy, hussy, and possess,
> Desert, but dessert, address.
> Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants.
> Hoist, in lieu of flags, left pennants.
> River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
> Doll and roll and some and home.
> Stranger does not rime with anger.
> Neither does devour with clangour.
> Soul, but foul and gaunt but aunt.
> Font, front, won't, want, grand, and grant.
> Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger.
> And then: singer, ginger, linger,
> Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, and gauge,
> Marriage, foliage, mirage, age.
> Query does not rime with very,
> Nor does fury sound like bury.
> Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,
> Job, job, blossom, bosom, oath.
> Though the difference seems little,
> We say actual, but victual.
> Seat, sweat, chaste, caste.
> (Leigh, eight, height,)
> Put, nut, granite, and unite.
> Reefer does not rime with deafer,
> Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
> Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
> Hint, pint, Senate, but sedate.
> Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
> Science, conscience, scientific,
> Tour, but our and succour, four,
> Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
> Sea, idea, guinea, area,
> Psalm, Maria, but malaria,
> Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
> Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
> Compare alien with Italian,
> Dandelion with battalion.
> Sally with ally, yea, ye,
> Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay.
> Say aver, but ever, fever.
> Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
> Never guess--it is not safe:
> We say calves, valves, half, but Ralph.
> Heron, granary, canary,
> Crevice and device, and eyrie,
> Face but preface, but efface,
> Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
> Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
> Ought, out, joust, and scour, but scourging,
> Ear but earn, and wear and bear
> Do not rime with here, but ere.
> Seven is right, but so is even,
> Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,
> Monkey, donkey, clerk, and jerk,
> Asp, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
> Pronunciation--think of psyche--!
> Is a paling, stout and spikey,
> Won't it make you lose your wits,
> Writing "groats" and saying "grits"?
> It's a dark abyss or tunnel,
> Strewn with stones, like rowlock, gunwale,
> Islington and Isle of Wight,
> Housewife, verdict, and indict!
> Don't you think so, reader, rather,
> Saying lather, bather, father?
> Finally: which rimes with "enough"
> Though, through, plough, cough, hough, or tough?
> Hiccough has the sound of "cup."
> My advice is--give it up!
----
adam@cs.caltech.edu
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?