Bill of No Rights
By Lewis W. Napper
We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone
get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep
our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of
debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren,
hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense
guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other
liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people
were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a
Bill of No Rights.
You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any
other form of wealth.
More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is
guaranteeing anything.
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is
based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you!
You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion,
etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the
tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently
wealthy.
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are
the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in
need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than
the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice,
but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in
public health care.
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you
kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if
the rest of us get together and kill you.
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob,
cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be
surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place
where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life
of leisure.
You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their
lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate
oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going
to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire
world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and
every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have
one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to
take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training
laid before you to make yourself useful.
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means
that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a
lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws
created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.