Guidelines:
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When a user is calling in need of help, don't forget that he is a
weakling. Only a loser would need to come groveling, begging for crumbs
of help that may fall from your godlike lips. And he KNOWS that he is a
loser in the race of the weak and the strong, that his kind is doomed to
extinction. Therefore, show him no mercy. Treat him with the utter
contempt that he deserves. It is the law of nature that you should do
so.
Key Phrases:
+ "You aren't very smart, are you?"
+ "I can't believe you call yourself a programmer!"
+ "Our product is obviously too complex and advanced for you.
Please desist from using it -- you are soiling it."
More Guidelines:
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Nevertheless, there may come a time when you actually must help the
user, even though he is sucking away your magnificent intellectual
vitality with his grotesque shambling confusion. He is a lower form of
life and you must make him feel it, lest he take on ambitions of
evolving to your level.
Key Phrases:
+ "Now I will read aloud the section of the manual
that you failed to comprehend."
+ "What you've done in your function, fool, is the coding
equivalent of failing to empty your colostomy bag."
Even More Guidelines:
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Alas, upon occasion there comes a time when it is obvious that the
compiler is at fault. This is no reason to let the user feel superior to
anyone, however. The design of a compiler is still far beyond his
limited mental capacities. His duty is to worship, not criticize.
Key Phrases:
+ "The inner workings of the compiler are far beyond
your antlike comprehension."
+ "That behavior is described in ANSI specification
21.11.45.7.3.8. You are familiar with that section, I assume..."
+ "Our software can behave in that manner only if it has been
corrupted by long exposure to users of your caliber."
And Even More Guidelines:
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And finally, a user may eventually want you to code something for him,
or send him an example. The user has asked something that is against the
laws of nature. Such creatures as himself exist to serve you and not you
him. Therefore such a request is impossible and against nature, and
does not exist, and therefore never happened. Response is not possible.