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CobraBoy! (tbyars@earthlink.net)
Mon, 25 Aug 1997 11:55:51 -0900


ACCTUAL "DEAR ABBY" EXCERPTS
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DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One
is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid- twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they
could be Lebanese?

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No
twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes
in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he
says that is his hobby.

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much
I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has
been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think
my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough
to discuss money with him.

DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and
when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and
said
it would never happen again.

DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable
illegitimate
doctor?

DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who
was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now
how
do
I get out?

DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50
an
hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know
he
drank until one night he came home sober.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a
little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he
finally did it.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is
going
through her mental pause.

DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the
chief
petting officer.

DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We
see
each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him,
but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me
just for what he can get?
-GERTIE-

DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?

DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and
make
my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend.
Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke
a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called
to
our final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day.
-FORTY YEARS HITCHED-

DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month.
I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you
think he'd like?
-CAROL-

DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?
-KAY-

DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his
wife
had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell
me,
can a baby this big be that early?
-WONDERING-

DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget
it.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much?
-CURIOUS-

DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at
the same time?
-JAKE-

DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three
and
he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?
-ANNIE-

DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but
if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced,
but
I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
-SAM IN CAL.-

DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write?
-TED-

DEAR TED: The Internal Revenue Service.

DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say,
"I've heard a lot about you"?
-RITA-

DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man
my
age with no bad habits.
-ROSE-

DEAR ROSE: So would I.

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
-BESS-

DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

-

Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner.
-Toa Te Ching

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