------ =_NextPart_000_01BE9353.2E0B9152
Content-Type: text/plain;
charset="iso-8859-1"
[* Quite clever. - dan *]
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer
the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will
be
kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name
or
address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all
creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were
you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T. B. P. D.
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Ann Landers
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Palmistry
___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
___ Self-help books
___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Bill Clinton
___ Tea leaves
___ EST
___ CompuServe
___ Mantras
___ Jimmy Swaggert
___ Crystals
___ Crystal Gayle
___ Human sacrifice
___ Pyramids
___ Wandering in a desert
___ Barney Fife
___ Other:___________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of
our conveniently located drop-off boxes by May 15 you will be entered in
the
One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are
approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number
of beings entered).
------ =_NextPart_000_01BE9353.2E0B9152
Content-Type: application/ms-tnef
Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64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=
------ =_NextPart_000_01BE9353.2E0B9152--