RE: Signs that Armageddon is coming.

I'm not a real doofus, but I play one at a national laboratory. (
Sat, 27 Jul 1996 0:08:08 -0500 (CDT)

> -----> Wait, HP earns less than it expected and drops 10 points,
> IBM loses less than it expected and gains 12? Makes sense...

Yes, it's based on a chaotic use of the first derivative of the dependent
variable called "expectation" (computed by summing all of the numbers on the
balance sheet, multiplying by a factor called "zero", and then adding magic
numbers known only to the stock analysts), divided by the average curvature of
the top of the analysts' heads -- the flatter, the larger the influence.

> * US Labor Department says 1st-time jobless benefits claims fell
> 45,000 last week to 322,000.
> -----> Rohit's right, these sound bites often leave out the WHY.

They also leave out the units and the year in the time references. The full
text was more like --

* US Labor Department says 1st-time (we noticed) jobless benefits claims fell
45,000 (feet during the) last week (of 1817) to 322,000 (degrees below mean
sea-level, not that we care, unless this sends the price of our call options
on IBM through the roof).

> -----> Silly me, I thought Excel WAS a virus.

Used to be. Got too big. Now it's officially graduated to "vermin".

> - Pixar is the studio behind Walt Disney's movie Toy Story.

This is backwards. Disney is the distributor, mouseke, er, marketeer, smiley
face and huge pile of money *in front of* Pixar. Vermin before Virus. Not
necessarily in the same year, though.

> ------> Still not sure what the big deal about this is.

Politics, of course. And the CBS execs were probably short IBM.

> * Actor Don Johnson gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today.
> - Johnson is best known for his role in TV's "Miami Vice."
> ------> Um, why????

Second choice. Arafat, who also always shaves only last week, was too busy.