MIT: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."
Caltech:"I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."
Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."
Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."
Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."
Stanford: "Dude, I got a B."
"Chill dude. Anywhere else it would have been a C. Have some
fries."
Princeton: "My father took away my porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some escargot."
Harvard:"Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."
Williams:"Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."
Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."
Vassar: "I'm so stressed and by the way, I'm gay."
"Ditto. Have some fries."
Columbia:"I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."
Penn: "I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."
Dartmouth:"Oh, man, I got so trashed this weekend. It was fuckin'
awesome."
"Have some beer."
Smith:"God I'm desperate."
"Me too. Have some fries."
Tufts:"I wish I were Ivy league."
"Here drink the fry grease."
Bucknell: "Oh my God, I spilled beer all over my J.Crew catalog."
"Here, look through mine. Have a Bison Burger."
Boston College: "Huh, huh. It's cool being a rich idiot."
"Yeah, yeah, have some fries."
Emory: "You hear Duke won the NCAA basketball tournament?"
"Listen dickhead - I told you NEVER to mention Duke - EVER!,
give me a coke.."
Johns Hopkins: "I killed everyone in my orgo class this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."
U. of Florida: "I hear another tourist got shot."
"Yeah, sucks. Have another Bean Burrito."
Georgetown: "I've got five mid-terms tomorrow."
"Yeah, me too. Let's finish this keg and go laugh at the
American U. students."
Univ. Colorado, Boulder: "I O.D'd on Ecstasy last night."
"Bummer. Pass the Ecstasy."
William & Mary: "Damn, I wish I didn't have to wear this stupid colonial
outfit."
"Me too. Pass the glass-blowing equipment."
U.S. Naval Academy: "Sure wish I had last year's final engineering exam."
"No kidding. Pass this year's final engineering exam."
Carnegie Mellon U.: "I sure wish we had some women here."
"What are women? Have some vivarin."