STANDARDIZED BONEHEAD REPLY FORM
I took exception to your recent _X_ post to ____FoRK_________________.
(newsgroup)
___ email
It was (check all that apply):
_X_ lame.
___ stupid.
___ much longer than any worthwhile thought of which you may be capabbe.
Your attention is drawn to the fact that:
_X_ what you posted/said has been done before.
(Mark only if above checked)
___ Not only that, it was also done better the last time.
___ your post/letter was a pathetic imitation of ______________________.
(net.personality)
___ your post/mail originated on FidoNet.
___ your post/mail originated on Delphi.
___ your post referred to the newsgroup as a Board, BBoard, BBS, or
Notesfile.
___ your post contained commercial advertising.
THE FINE FOR THIS IS $20. Please remit immediately to:
FoRK Mailing List
Network Security & Standards Patrol
300 East Bellevue #117
Pasadena, CA 91101
or your posting privileges will be cancelled.
___ your post/letter contained numerous spelling errors.
___ your post/letter contained multiple grammatical errors.
___ you are unfamiliar with the concept of the paragraph.
___ YOUR POST CONTAINED EXCESSIVE CAPITALIZATION AND/OR PUNCTUATION!!!!!
___ you posted a "newgroup" message without Leader Kibo's permission.
___ you posted a "rmgroup" message without Bruce Becker's permission.
___ your post/letter was an obvious forgery.
(Mark only if above checked)
___ It was done clumsily.
_X_ you have a lame login name.
___ your machine has a stupid name.
___ you quoted an article/letter in followup and added no new text.
___ you quoted an article/letter in followup and only added ___ lines
of text.
___ you quoted an article in followup and only added the line "Me, too!!!"
_X_ you predicted the "Imminent Death of the Net[tm]".
___ you asked for replies via email because you "don't read this group".
___ you flamed someone who has been around far longer than you.
___ you flamed someone who is far more intelligent and witty than you.
___ your lines are 80 columns wide or wider.
___ you failed to check the "Followups-To:" line.
___ your .sig is longer than four lines.
(Mark only if above checked)
___ And your newsreader truncated it.
___ your .sig is ridiculous because (check all that apply):
___ you listed ___ snail mail address(es).
(Mark only if above checked)
___ you listed a nine-digit ZIP code.
___ you listed ___ phone numbers for people to use in prank calls.
___ you included a stupid disclaimer.
(Mark only if above also)
___ your pathetic attempt at being witty in the disclaimer failed.
(Mark only if above also)
___ Miserably.
___ you included:
(Mark all that apply)
___ a stupid self-quote.
___ a stupid quote from a net.nobody.
___ a Rush Limbaugh quote.
___ a Dan Quayle joke.
___ a reference to Beavis & Butthead.
___ lame ASCII graphic(s) (Choose all that apply):
___ USS Enterprise
___ Australia
___ The Amiga logo
___ Company logo
(Mark only if above also)
___ and you stated that you don't speak for your employer.
___ Bicycle
___ Bart Simpson
Furthermore:
___ You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of ________________________.
(newsgroup)
___ You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of the net.
___ You are a loser.
___ You must have spent your entire life in a skinner box to be this
clueless.
_X_ *plonk*
___ This has been pointed out to you before.
_X_ It is recommended that you:
(Mark all that apply)
___ stick to FidoNet and come back when you've grown up.
___ find a volcano and throw yourself in.
___ get a gun and shoot yourself.
_X_ stop reading Usenet news and get a life.
_X_ stop sending email and get a life.
___ consume excrement.
_X_ consume excrement and thus expire.
Additional comments:
Before you flame me, remember the 12 Commandments of Flaming.
1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies
sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Brian
Hillis is a racist, and a dirtball to boot."
2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified
to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Peach Pshawski (God Bless You!), by using
the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of .........."
3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next
literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From OPINION to EZ-READER to
PETS to CHIT-CHAT, they're all holding their breaths until your next flame.
Therefore, post everywhere.
4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
*possibly* be that you're a #anatomypart@. There's obviously a conspiracy
against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.
5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin &
Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good
form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, |Didley has libelled
me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, |Didley."
6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Ralph Gagliano states
outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand
documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Ralph's pasta
preferences, then Ralph's obviously lying.
7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of
flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per
article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum", "vini, vidi, vici",
"fetuccini alfredo".
8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince
them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a
member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you
received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs,
GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic'".
9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American
citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the
37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or
move a flame war to Netusers is either a communist, a fascist, or both.
10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have
you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them
by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of
flamers' logic.
11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.
12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this
one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will
undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This
person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look
generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult
the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with
..........."
The Golden Rule of Flaming:
My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or
sarcastic, but never, ever, will they be boring.