PLEASE FORWARD/POST AS APPROPRIATE
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The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR")
Issue Number 1998-03
March, 1998
ISSN 1076-500X
Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the
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A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in
The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR),
the journal of inflated research and personalities
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1998-03-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS
1998-03-01 Table of Contents
1998-03-02 mini-Housekeeping
1998-03-03 What's New in AIR
1998-03-04 Swoon Song Lyrics (continued)
1998-03-05 Ig-Like Lecture
1998-03-06 Webbed Seating
1998-03-07 The Best of George: "I Am Going to Continue"
1998-03-08 Cogno-Intellectual Talk Radio
1998-03-09 Announcing Project Typographical Erros
1998-03-10 SPECIAL LECTURE TOUR: Host an Ig Nobel Prize Winner
1998-03-11 Call for AIRy Photos
1998-03-12 Call for Papers: Journal of the Passive Voice
1998-03-13 AIR Vents - Exhalations From our Readers
1998-03-14 Project AIRhead 2000
1998-03-15 May We Recommend
1998-03-16 AIRhead Events
1998-03-17 How to Subscribe to AIR (*)
1998-03-18 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*)
1998-03-19 Our Address (*)
1998-03-20 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*)
Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue.
This is mini-AIR, a free monthly *supplement* to the print
magazine Annals of Improbable Research (AIR).
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1998-03-02 mini-Housekeeping
AIR ON TOUR. This month, the AIR tour will be descending on
Cincinnati and New York City. In early April, it's on to San Diego
and the San Francisco Bay Area; thence to New Mexico. See the
"AIRhead Events" Section below for details.
IF YOU ARE IN ONE OF THESE PLACES (or anywhere else) and
want to host en event please get in touch ASAP!
AIR ON THE AIR. On Friday March 27, a certain alleged racketeer
will be on NPR's "Science Friday" program, together with an
unalleged, unindicted, unsubpoenaed co-conspirator.
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1998-03-03 What's New in AIR
Here are some alluring abstracts from volume 4, number 2 (the
Mar/Apr 98 issue) of the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). 4:1
is the annual Swimsuit Issue. It contains a cogno-intellectual
photojournalistic essay of three of the most dazzling science
beauties who lurk on land or under sea. The issue also contains a
bevy and a half of regular AIR features, and other features, such
as:
"Does It Rain More Often on Weekends?" by David M. Schultz. A
meteorologist analyzes the data, and reaches a damp conclusion.
"Cat Tunneling," by Frederick B. Reitz. The phenomenon of atomic
tunneling is described as it occurs in cats.
"Penises in the Plant Kingdom," Simcha Lev-Yadun. The author
presents startling photomicrographic evidence that nature has not
lost its capacity to surprise.
"The History of the Universe in 200 Words or Less Translated Ten
Times or More," Eric Schulman. Automatic language translation
software was subjected to the most severe of possible tests. As a
result, several important scientific breakthroughs are reported.
"Nano-Cars and Buckyball Pyramids," Marek T. Michalewicz. The
author describes how to build the smallest possible automobile,
and how to use fleets of nano-cars to build an imposingly tiny
monument to humankind.
"The Donor," by Lord Byron, T.S. Eliot, and Robert R. Pascal. A
beloved poem is transplanted into a modern medical setting.
A complete table of the issue's contents and a lovely reproduction
of its cover will eventually be posted on our web site
http://www.improb.com
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1998-03-04 Swoon Song Lyrics (continued)
What, oh what name will attach to the thin, thin, thinning of the
universe into gradual blandness? What moniker is a suitable end to
the beloved beginning "Big Bang?" Our own proposal was "The Final
Fade." Here is a second helping of good (and other kinds of)
suggestions:
Cold Climax (David Singmaster)
The Big Bland (Bob Wiegand)
The Big Chill (Eric Lindgren, David Wine, et al.)
The Heavenly Hiss (Pat O'Leary)
Final Fizzle" (Richard Prairie)
Still Life with Everything (David Norwood)
The Pooh Pout (Jackson Granholm)
Bland-X (Pat O'Leary, again)
We are still being flooded with variants of the T.S. Eliot-ian
"Wee Whimper." Enough whimpering, already. Here are some other
comments that have wafted in:
The shadowy Dr. Faustroll suggests:
"Infra-mince. It's a term used by 20th century
artist/philosopher/pataphysician Marcel Duchamp. I don't think one
can get much thinner than infra-mince. But don't ask me to use it
in a sentence."
Investigator Georg Eggers minces nothing, especially words:
"Well, I think that "The Final Fart" might give a much clearer
idea of the universe's fate..."
Investigator John Wilson has something weighing on his mind:
"The Big Microsoft -- in addition to the connotations of the word,
it just gets bigger and bigger, softer and softer, sluggisher and
sluggisher, eceterer, eceterer."
More next time.
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1998-03-05 Ig-Like Lecture
Bio-poet Holly Teichholtz informs us that an unusual Ig lecture is
slated to occur on March 19 at 4 pm. Here are the details:
LECTURER: Max Cooper (University of Alabama at Birmingham)
LOCATION: Auditorium, Sackler B, Tufts University School of
Medicine
TITLE: "Regulation of B Lymphocyte Activation by Paired Ig-like
Receptors"
Should you attend this lecture, Professor Cooper will undoubtedly
be delighted, albeit perhaps baffled, to field your questions
about the Ig Nobel Prize.
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1998-03-06 Webbed Seating
Project Strange Seat continues to turn up some very strange mental
seating. The project identifies and catalogs unusual academic
chairs (endowed faculty positions, not furniture). It is organized
and conducted jointly by Richard Morin of the Washington Post and
by the Annals of Improbable Research.
Reader Steven (yes, it's his real name) Haddock suggests
that we inform you that the first installment of the report, which
was published in the February 8 issue of "The Washington Post,"
can now be found on the web at:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/WPlate/1998-02/08/109l-
020898-idx.html
Highlights so far include:
The Taco Bell Distinguished Professor of Hotel and
Restaurant Administration at Washington State University.
The LEGO Professor of Learning Research at the Massachusetts
Institute of Technology,
The Yahoo! Founders Professor of the Stanford School of
Engineering.
The Flippin Professor of Medicine at the University of
Virginia.
The Emerson Electric chair in the business school at Cornell
University. (A second old sparky, alas, has bitten the dust: The
Nippon Electric Chair in Computer Science and Engineering at MIT
has been renamed the NEC Chair.)
The John N. Couch Professor of Biology at the University of
North Carolina and the Cortner/Couch Endowed Chair in Cancer
Research at the University of South Florida.
* * *
If you have encountered a strange seat, please pass the word
to <morinr@clark.net> or <marca@wilson.harvard.edu>.
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1998-03-07 The Best of George: "I Am Going to Continue"
Here is this month's chapter in our strangely ongoing
feature, "The Best of George." This installment is called "I Am
Going to Continue."
George is George Scherr. George, as regular readers will
recall, has filed a lawsuit against our editor, Marc Abrahams, and
against AIR. George wants us to (a) stop publishing AIR and (b)
pay him $8.1 million (up from the $4.2 million he originally
asked). George's accusations include conspiracy, fraud, trademark
infringement, and (still our favorite!) racketeering. We have
posted George's entire original complaint on our web site
(http://www.improb.com).
George is acting as his own lawyer. He spent two days taking
a formal deposition from Marc. Here is another typical passage
from the official (405 pages) deposition transcript. The Mr.
Dushman who appears here is Marc's lawyer.
* * *
* * *
GEORGE: Okay. I am going to continue playing this tape. It
has only a little more to go.
(Audiotape playing.)
GEORGE: Is that your voice?
MARC: That's my voice.
GEORGE: Thank you. I will continue playing.
(Audiotape playing.)
GEORGE: Is that your voice, Mr. Abrahams?
MARC: I will keep repeating it's my voice if you would like
me to. Of course it's my voice.
GEORGE: And was the journal on paper ever published by MIT?
MARC: Yes.
GEORGE: Okay.
(Audiotape playing.)
GEORGE: Is that your voice, Mr. Abrahams?
MARC: That's my voice.
GEORGE: Thank you.
(Audiotape playing.)
GEORGE: And that was always your voice when you spoke, when
you heard a male speaking?
MARC: That was always my voice when I spoke.
GEORGE: Okay. Thank you.
MR. DUSHMAN: Thanks for clarifying that.
* * *
* * *
If you would like to help us defray the legal expenses of
fighting this absurd, improbable lawsuit (and receive a nifty
certificate of thanks!), please send donations (whatever you can
contribute -- $25, $50, or $100, will help) to the following
address:
Strategic AIR Defense Fund
c/o Robert Dushman
Brown, Rudnick, Freed & Gesmer
One Financial Center
Boston, MA 02111
Honorary co-chairs of the Defense Fund are Nobel Laureates Dudley
Herschbach, William Lipscomb, and Richard Roberts. If you have
questions, please get in touch with Marc
<marca@wilson.harvard.edu>.
Many of you have asked: Is George really doing this, and
does he really exist? The answer to both question is: yes.
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1998-03-08 Cogno-Intellectual Talk Radio
Here is further news of our campaign to insinuate a new nonsense
word into official, unknowing use. "Cogno-intellectual," our
impressively meaningless mouthful of syllables, is turning up
hither, thither, and yon.
A search of USENET found 46 instances. Our favorite is the
sentence, "The cogno-intellectual implications of this research
create a whole new paradigm for the subject."
It is encouraging that at least one Nobel Laureate is now
carefully working the word, with deadpan panache, into some of his
public lectures.
And next, brave fellow cogno-intellectuals, we urge you to
take on...
TALK RADIO: If you have a spare moment, and are sick unto death of
the blather that goes over the airwaves, phone up your most or
least favorite talk radio show. It does not matter what subject is
being discussed that day. Slip the word "cogno-intellectual" into
your conversation.
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1998-03-09 Announcing Project Typographical Erros
We prudely announce a massive new undertaking, "PROJECT
TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROS."
The formal name is: "A History of Typographical Erros
Occurring in Books and Articles About Typographical Errors." This
project is self-explainatory. We request that all editors and
poofreaders of relevant pubications and e-lists disseminate word
to the masses.
Please direct all data and inquiries to project director
Wendy Mattson <posh@sirius.com>
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1998-03-10 SPECIAL LECTURE TOUR: Host an Ig Nobel Prize Winner
The winner of the 1997 Ig Nobel Peace Prize will be journeying to
the United States in and about May of this year, and is eager to
deliver public talks.
Professor Harold Hillman, of the University of Sussex
(England), won his Ig for the landmark report, "The Possible Pain
Experienced During Execution by Different Methods." The report is
deadly serious (and intensely memorable), and has been used around
the world as part of the campaign against capital punishment. We
have talked with Professor Hillman at length on the telephone, and
can report that he is a charming, energetic, and persuasive
gentleman.
If you would like to host a talk by Professor Hillman,
please contact(**) him at Unity Laboratory of Applied
Neurobiology, 3, Merrow Dene, 76, Epson Rd., Guildford, Surrey,
GU1 2BX, United Kingdom (or FAX to 01483-531110) as soon as
possible.
(**) SPECIAL NOTE: We have received a special dispensation from
the English Language Approval Board of the French National
Academy, permitting us to use the word "contact" as a verb.
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1998-03-11 Call for AIRy Photos
Do you have, lurking in your desk, a photomicrograph that looks
like the Spice Girls, Mikhail Gorbatchev, or a duck? Submit it, if
you, dare, for publication in AIR. We might even put it on the
cover.
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1998-03-12 Call for Papers: Journal of the Passive Voice
A new publication has been started. It has been reported to be a
sub-publication of the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). The
new journal has been named "The Journal of the Passive Voice."
Articles written entirely in the passive voice will be seen to
have been published in this new journal. It has been recommended
by the editors that submissions be kept to minimal length. The
following address has been designated as the place to which
submissions and passive correspondence can be sent:
Journal of the Passive Voice
c/o Annals of Improbable Research
PO Box 380853
Cambridge, MA 02238 USA
<marca@wilson.harvard.edu>
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1998-03-13 AIR Vents - Exhalations From our Readers
URGENT, UNEXPLAINED REQUEST
Investigator John Dobermiller writes:
"mini-AIR reminded me of a publication I saw in the mid
80's. Someone once handed me an abstract entitled "Vaginal
Luminescence". I am uncertain of its origin and have been unable
to locate it using Medline. Perhaps one of your readers is aware
of it or will have better luck locating it than I did. My address
is <JDOBERMILL@aol.com>."
HAUNTED BY FRUIT FLIES
Investigator James Barrett writes:
"Many years ago, when I was young, if not charming, I was a
National Merit Scholar (about the last time I merited anything),
and some organization or other sent me a free "Annual Reviews"
volume as a sort of reward. It contained another fruit flies/time
flies poem which went - more or less-"
Now thin fruit flies like thunderstorms
And thin farm boys like farm girls narrow
And tax firm men like fat tax forms
But time flies like an arrow
When fat tax forms tax firm men's souls
When farm boys stroke their girlfriends' flanks
That's when the murd'rous thunder rolls
And thins the fruit flies's ranks
Like tossed bananas in the skies
Thin fruit flies <?> the common yarrow
And then's the time to time the time flies
Like time flies, like an arrow
BIG TASTY BANG
Investigator Craig Tovey writes:
"Given the corporate slogan "The official candy of the new
millennium -- MM means 2000," we may deduce that Starburst candy
is the official candy of the year 8,000,001,998 when the sun is
expected to go nova.
CULTURED PALATE
Investigator Rachel Ostler reports:
"My husband and I enjoyed your new book "The Best of Annals of
Improbable Research." We stewed it in herb sauce for twelve hours,
then served it with a light Beaujolais. Having already thusly
prepared and sampled each and every issue of your magazine, we can
now report that when it comes to taste, your book really IS the
best."
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1998-03-14 Project AIRhead 2000
Here are further items from our ever-growing collection of things
that have 2000 in their names.
ITEM RB-99 (submitted by investigator Steven Fenster)
"SELECT 2000," a program promulgated by 66 American men's college
fraternities. Its best-known quixotic goal is the banning of
alcohol from all fraternity houses.
ITEM SSSSS-00000-NO (submitted by investigator Mark Gibbs)
"SEPTIC HELPER 2000," manufactured by Krane Products, Inc., of
Boca Raton, Florida, who describe it thusly: "Finally... Septic
Maintenance Made EASY! Reduces costly expenses, pumpouts, wet
spots, offensive odors, and clogged drains."
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1998-03-15 May We Recommend
Research reports that merit a trip to the library.
(These items are additional to the many, many which appear in the
pages of AIR itself.)
HELP FOR PORE PEOPLE
"A new approach to analysis of human sweating," M. Shimazu, T.
Matsumoto, et al., "Experientia," vol. 52, no. 2, 1996, pp. 131-5.
(Thanks to Wendy Cooper for dramatically bringing this to our
attention.)
ALIMENTARY ANALYSES
"Characteristics of the white sausage from the Las Cuatro Villas
area: I. Production and Chemical composition," L. Tudela, R.
Millan, E Sanjuan, M. Castelo, J.C. Penedo, J.M. Mangas, S.
Estupinan, and A. Cordona, "Alimentaria," vol. 34, no. 271, 1996,
pp. 51-6. (Thanks to Greg Farley for bringing this to our
attention.)
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1998-03-16 AIRhead Events
==> Want to host an event?
E-mail to <marca@wilson.harvard.edu> or call 617-491-4437.
ALTERNATIVELY, please call W.H. Freeman Publishers, the
publisher of the book "Best of AIR," at 212-576-9423
==> For updates of this schedule, email <info@improb.com>
SPECIAL RESEARCH TALK, P&G, CINCINNATI, OH March 12
This is a special closed event for Procter & Gamble scientists.
If you would like to host an event in the area, please contact
<marca@wilson.harvard.edu> 617-491-4437
UNIVERSITY OF CINCINNATI COLLEGE OF MEDICINE Fri, Mar 13
12:30-1:30 pm. Room 5051, Medical Science Building (corner of
Bethesda and Eden across from Children's Hospital). Sponsored by
The Chronic Ill. INFO: Eric Rickin <rickined@email.uc.edu> 513-
281-4097
MAYERSON ACADEMY, CINCINNATI Sat, Mar 14
Morning-afternoon. Special workshop/seminar (w/breakfast&lunch)
for teachers and anyone interested in science education.
Co-sponsored by Association for Rational Thought.
INFO: Judy Pettigrew <creatcon@fuse.net> 513-984-0614, or BRAD
BONHAM <bonham@compuserve.com> 513-761-5613.
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY, NEW YORK CITY Thurs, Mar 26, 2:30 pm
AIR seminar at the Hammer Health Sciences Building, 701 West 168th
Street, Rm. 301, Health Sciences campus of Columbia, sponsored by
the Columbia University Graduate Student Organization.
INFO: Vinny Aita <vma3@columbia.edu> 212-304-7999
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY, NEW YORK CITY Thurs, Mar 26, 7 pm
Fairchild Building, Morningside Heights Campus. (Enter campus at
116th Street and Broadway). Sponsored by the undergraduate
Columbia Biological Society.
INFO: Judith R. Gibber <jrg43@columbia.edu> (212) 854-5952.
Please contact Dr. Gibber in advance for exact room number!
NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO
"TALK OF THE NATION /SCIENCE FRIDAY" Fri, Mar 27
Hour 2 of the 2-hour live call-in broadcast will be devoted to
"Gravity and AIR," Scientific American's Anti-Gravity columnist
Steve Mirsky and AIR editor Marc Abrahams and SciFri host Ira
Flatow will attempt to be funny about science. Check your local
station or http://www.sciencefriday.com for schedule.
CORNELL MED SCHOOL, NEW YORK CITY Fri, Mar 27, 6 pm
INFO:Michelle Tourigny <mrtour@mail.med.cornell.edu>
SIGMA XI, SAN DIEGO STATE UNIV. FRI, APR 3, 7:00 PM
7:00. Chemistry/Geology Building at San Diego State University,
Room 333. Everyone welcome! Joint event co-sponsored by Sigma Xi
and USD and SDSU and other local universities.
INFO: Marva West <mwest@sciences.sdsu.edu> 619-594-5142
ASSOCIATION OF WOMEN IN SCIENCE MEETING, SAN DIEGO Sat, Apr 4
Special improbable research seminar as part of the AWIS meeting.
INFO: Isabel Corcos <icorcos@trega.com>.
STANFORD UNIVERSITY, PALO ALTO, CA Wed, Apr 8 (time TBA)
INFO: Michele Armstrong <michele.armstrong@Forsythe.Stanford.EDU>
NASA AMES RESEARCH CENTER, MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA Thurs, April 9
(time TBA). INFO: Michael Kaufman <kaufman@warped.arc.nasa.gov>
ALBUQUERQUE/ SANTA FE AREA Late April
Please contact <marca@wilson.harvard.edu> 617-491-4437 if you
would like to host an event.
1998 WESTERN PSYCHOLOGY ASSOCIATION / ROCKY MOUNTAIN PSYCHOLOGY
ASSOCIATION JOINT CONVENTION Fri, April 17, 1988,
Hyatt Regency Hotel, Albuquerque Convention Center, Albuquerque,
NM, 1:00 pm.
1998 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 8
Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go on sale in
August.
LOS ANGELES Various events TBA, January 1999.
Please contact <marca@wilson.harvard.edu> 617-491-4437 if you
would like to host an event.
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1998-03-17 How to Subscribe to AIR (*)
Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print
journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not
just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading
here in mini-AIR)
...............................................................
Name:
Address:
Address:
City and State: Zip or postal code:
Country
Phone: FAX: E-mail:
...............................................................
USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39
Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US
Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US
[Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA,
$11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.]
...............................................................
Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or
Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to:
The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)
PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA
617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improb.com
- -----------------------------------------------------
1998-03-18 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*)
What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny
version of AIR -- rather, it is a tiny supplement to the magazine.
To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to:
LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU
The body of your message should contain ONLY the words
SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE
(You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.)
----------------------------
To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR
To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR
To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying
which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated
950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706
- -----------------------------------------------------
1998-03-19 Our Address (*)
The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)
PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA
617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927
EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu
GENERAL INFO (auto-responder): info@improb.com
SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com
WORLD WIDE WEB: http://www.improb.com/
We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it.
If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a
SASE in all printed correspondence.
A monthly column of improbable computer-related items appears on
the back page of Byte magazine.
ELSEWHERE ON THE NET:
* USENET:
a weekly column appears in clari.tw.columns.imprb_research
- ---------------------------
1998-03-20 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*)
Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever
appropriate. The only limitations are:
A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR.
B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes.
- ------------------------------------------------------------
(c) copyright 1998, The Annals of Improbable Research
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- -------------
mini-AIRheads
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EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu)
MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last
few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson <posh@sirius.com>
WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin
(ringo@leland.stanford.edu) http://www.improb.com/
COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu)
ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne
CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Craig Haggart, Deb Kreuze, Nicki
Sorel
MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto
AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon
Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts
============================================================
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