"By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated space station with
faulty wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air systems,"
NASA head Daniel Goldin said, "we have created extremely
favorable conditions for learning about spaceborne panic."
The two Russians and one American on board the station are
reportedly terrified beyond lucidity.
Among the groundbreaking experiments conducted on board Mir: a
June 25 collision with a cargo craft that depressurized the
Spektr module; last week's emergency power shortage, caused by a
disconnected cable; and the periodic release of "dry ice" steam
that simulates a shipboard fire. All have been deemed a huge
success by agency heads.
"They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term
'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives,"
Russian mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have
not even used the hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the
window yet."
"We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the
patterns created when one wets his pants in the weightlessness
of space," Solovyov said. "The urine spreads out in an expanding
sphere, something we did not expect."
Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale
told ABC News reporters: "Where is Mommy?"
"Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz capsule," Russian
cosmonaut Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return to
the chaotic government and widespread hunger of my homeland."
Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an
experiment at 3 a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling
red siren lights will flood the cabin while an ear-splitting
klaxon alarm jolts them awake. Detailed scientific data will then
be collected on such variables as open weeping, defecation and
hair loss.
-
... at least you can drive something fast, arm your-
self with powerful tools, and look good doing it.
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