From: I'm not a real doofus, but I play one at a national laboratory (baisley@fnal.gov)
Date: Thu May 25 2000 - 07:37:00 PDT
I have no idea how old these bits are. They ought to be archived anyway.
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <0xdeadbeef@substance.abuse.blackdown.org>
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: SeekerSeer@aol.com
ABBOTT & COSTELLO LEARN HEBREW
by Rabbi Jack Moline
ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
A: Now, the first thing you must understand. is that Hebrew and English
have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
C: Sure, I understand.
A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
C: How stupid do you think I am? Don't answer that. It's simple-some
words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean
the same.
A: Precisely.
C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make
with the Hebrew.
A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
C: You.
A: No, mee.
C: Fine, we'll start with you.
A: No, we'll start with mee.
C: Okay, have it your way.
A: Now, mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: You don't understand.
C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, You misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
C: Who?
A: Precisely.
C: Precisely what?
A: Precisely who.
C: It's precisely whom!
A: No, mee is who.
C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
A: All right. Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Yes.
C: I don't know. Who is he?
A: Sure you do. You just said it.
C: I just said what?
A: Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Precisely.
C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
A: No, precisely hee.
C: Precisely he? Who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: And what about me?
A: Who.
C: Me, me, me!
A: Who, who, who!
C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
A: No, hu is he!
C: I don't know; maybe he is me!
A: No, hee is she!
C: (STARE AT ABBOTT) Do his parents know about this?
A: About what?
C: About her!
A: What about her?
C: That she is he!
A: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
C: Then who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: Who?
A: He!
C: Me?
A: Who!
C: He?
A: She!
C: Who is she?
A: No, hu is he.
C: I don't care who is he; I want to know who is she?
A: No, that's not right.
C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said
it, and I know me.
A: Who.
C: Who?
A: Precisely!
C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
A: No, hee is she!
C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew,
and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
A: Go ahead.
C: Now first You want to know me is who.
A: Correct.
C: And then you say who is he.
A: Absolutely.
C: And then you tell me he is she.
A&C: Precisely!
C: Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is
she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
A: Who!
C: She!
A: That is hee!
C: Who is he?
A&C: Precisely!
C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home.
You know what I want? Ma!
A: What.
C: I said Ma.
A: What.
C: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
A: What!
C: Not what, who!
A: He!
C: Not he! Ma is not he!
A: Of course not! Hu is he!
C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he,
he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and
play with my dog.
A: Fish.
C: Fish?
A: Dag is fish.
C: That's all, I'm outa here.
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